SWEEKAR GUIDEBOOK:

For LGBTQIA+ Individuals

SWEEKAR GUIDEBOOK:

For LGBTQIA+ Individuals

Introduction

How did we start Sweekar?

There was a small group of parents who had accepted their children and were out in the public at events such as parents’ meets, acceptance meets and pride parades. Seeing that they were accepting of their own children, other LGBTQIA+ children started reaching out to them for support for convincing their parents to accept them. This dynamic went on for several years. As the numbers started increasing, they realised that not all parents accept their children the way they are. For more than a decade, they have counselled many children, in individual capacity. In 2017, with the help of few parents who were out and proud and were helping children to come out to their parents, Sweekar was formed during the crowd-sourcing of funds for the film “Evening Shadows” by Sridhar Rangayan and Sagar Gupta.

It was important to bring together parents of LGBTQIA+ children to form a support group, so that we can advise and guide each other, keep each other updated about the latest news and developments, and most importantly for the “out” parents to be able to offer peer-counselling and help other parents who are struggling to accept their LGBTQIA+ children.

The vision of ‘Sweekar: The Rainbow Parents’ is to have a Pan-India presence, as well as to reach parents of Indian origin residing in other nations. Sweekar aims to be a multicultural network of parents of LGBTQIA+ children who can stand with each other, challenge existing notions of gender and sexuality, and fight for their own rights. Support groups like these strengthen the bond between parents and children.

We have counselled and sensitised thousands of parents with factual information about the LGBTQIA+ community and by sharing our acceptance stories. As mentioned before, we continue to participate in Acceptance Meets and march proudly at PRIDE marches. We have also participated in panels for schools, colleges, corporates and mental health organisations and other allied NGOs, offered counselling face-to-face and over telephone with parents and children, and participated in the PRABAL course which has helped us parents learn more about the community. We also collaborate with and support international organisations like ILGA Asia, Interpride, Salzberg, Desi Rainbow Parents, LISTAG, and others.

Resources

Connect with us

FACEBOOK

Sweekar – The Rainbow Parents – Home | Facebook

INSTAGRAM

@sweekartherainbowparents
Instagram photos and videos 

EMAIL

E mail: info@sweekar.com

Other NGO’s

NAZARIYA

Nazariya – queer feminist support group

BI-COLLECTIVE

Bi-Collective: Create safe space for bisexual, bi+, bi-curious and pansexual people around Delhi.

THE HUMSAFAR TRUST

The Humsafar Trust: runs workshops for politicians, legislators, and media.

Books, Movies, Media

BOOKS

MOVIES

  • Evening Shadows
  • Kuch Sapney Apney
  • 68 Pages
  • Yours Emotionally

MEDIA

Reporting and Vocabulary

  • When addressing LGBTQIA+ issues and people, consider which terms are appropriate and relevant to situation before stating
  • Sticking to neutral terms when gender is unspecified 
  • Remembering to ask about pronouns and being respectful. 
SUBJECTIVE OBJECTIVE POSSESSIVE REFLEXIVE
She Her Hers Herself
He Him His Himself
They Them Theirs Themself
Ze Hir/Zir Hirz/Zirself Hirslef/Zirself

This is not an exhaustive list so remember to always ask for someone’s pronouns. You can find more resources on the following sites

  • Being careful not to invalidate people unintentionally.

Guidelines for name/gender change in relevant areas

PROCESS

General Process Flow

v

CONTACT

Who to contact?

FORMS

Forms

Community Stories

1. Sabrina Court – Being accepted and loved for who you are: “All children seek is love and acceptance from their families, and living in the 21st century, it is high time that abuse like “praying the gay away” and “conversion therapies” stop. Nothing changes after your children come out to you. They still are your children just like how they were moments before they told you the truth about themselves. It is important that as a parent you trust them and strengthen them with love and understanding. Chances are your child wrestled long and hard with the decision to confess their identity to you. They braced themselves for judgment and rejection. That is why it is all the more important that you let them know they are valued and loved as much as ever” (Sabrina Court, 2020).

2. Bela – Heroes and moms: “I grew up reading mythology and history, listening to stories from past was a favorite pastime for all of us. Strangely enough, it was never the hero of the narrative that fascinated me, but the ones that remained on the periphery, people who loved unconditionally, and who were always left behind. How would they have dealt with life afterwards, knowing and yet, not knowing. No one seemed to know or even care about their turmoil. Didn’t they go through a lot? What about their feelings? Reading about every struggle, whether it was for the freedom of a country or individual, for every change big and small, in attitude, in society, every movement, every unrest, I wondered. How did their families cope? For all the bravado, I am quite sure, there is a father who longs for a child that stayed at home, did farming, got drunk occasionally, got into political discussions. A mother who wants a child who would get married, produce a brood of children, fight with her, back of her mind, she wants all that rest of her sisters have. Giving up one’s life for one’s principles is fine, so long it’s someone else’s child. And when it’s your own child standing up for something you know is right, you feel the fear but try to suppress it. For a moment, you wish you hadn’t brought them up to be so upright. You would have loved to stand on the side and applauded, you would have felicitated the courageous child and the brave mother. You would wholeheartedly support their cause, tell them to follow their heart and be the torch bearers… And then, this child, who could have anything, do anything, declines. Your child chooses the most difficult road, toughest of the toughest. Your child announces to the world, I refuse to live by your standards, I refuse to accept the norms that are not true to me, I refuse the falsehoods, the pretenses, I refuse to bow down. This is what I am, this is what God made me, I will live by my convictions, my rules, so deal with it. You exchange one set of fears for another. You smile, you reassure your child, yes, we are with you. You only taught your child to be honest, to be truthful, and above all to be true to one’s convictions…It’s easy being a Hero, but it’s so tough being the mother of a Hero” (Bela, 2020).

Conversations/Relationships

How to go about discussing these things with family?

What should children afraid of coming out to their parents do?

Decide whether coming out is a good idea. You deserve to live your life out and proud, but always put your safety first. Unfortunately, coming out to your parents can have harmful consequences if you’re a minor. Make sure you’re sure your parents won’t threaten your wellbeing before you tell them you’re LGBTQIA+.

Find a good time to come out. Talk to your parents when you and they are calm and in a good mood. Avoid coming out during a busy or emotionally tense time, like a holiday, a big family event, or an argument. You want your parents to be as receptive as possible to what you have to say. Be kind and compassionate with your parents as they adjust. Your coming out may come as a shock to your parents. They might react with sadness, confusion, or denial. Try to understand where they are coming from, and be as gentle as you can during your conversation. Reassure them that you can be happy, and tell them if you want you can still do things like get married to the person you want and have kids.

Give your parents’ time to process what you said. Your parents may need time to think about what you said and to accept that you’re LGBTQIA+. Your relationship with them might feel awkward and strained for a while before it starts to get better. Be patient with them as they let go of their previous goals for and visions of you and accept who you really are.

Emphasize that you’re still the same person. Your parents may be afraid of losing the child they love, so show them you’re still the same person.

Explain that accepting your LGBTQIA+ identity makes you happy. Your parents may fear that being LGBTQIA+ will make you a target for bullying or that you won’t live a fulfilling life. These fears may make them fight to change who you are. Help them understand that although their fears are understandable, what is most important to you is that you can be your authentic self. Tell them that what’s most important is that you have their love and support.

Before you tell your parents that you’re LGBTQIA+, arrange for a place to stay and someone to talk to in case things go wrong. While it’s scary and painful to think about these things, it’ll help you protect yourself if things don’t go well.

Your parents might get upset or may try to argue with you about your LGBTQIA+ identity. This can be very painful, but it doesn’t mean they won’t eventually accept you. Listen to them if they’re not threatening you, and try to reassure them that what you really need from them right now is for them to just love you. It’s possible that your parents will become violent or threatening. If this happens, remove yourself from the situation immediately and go somewhere safe. Make a plan for how you’ll handle a bad reaction from your parents. Remember that this behaviour is not your fault, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way.

Working to Change Parents’ Views

 

  • Listen to their concerns so you can address them. The only way to convince another person to change their views is by first getting a good understanding of what their views are. You may have heard your parents make homophobic comments before, but maybe you don’t really understand why they feel the way they do. Start a dialogue with them about their feelings about LGBTQIA+ people and use active listening skills to truly hear their side of things. Avoid interrupting them or defending your own views, even if what they say is upsetting. You will get your chance to talk later.
  • Ask questions so you can better understand how they feel. Your parents have reasons for their beliefs, and understanding their views will help you see things from their perspective. Your parents may try to shrug it off when you ask “Why are you against LGBTQIA+ people?”; by responding “Because it’s just wrong!” Press them for more information by asking clarifying questions. You might ask, “Why do you think it’s wrong?” In some cases, this might pertain to their religious beliefs, but you might also uncover a deeper or more personal reason that they are against LGBTQIA+ people.
  • Give religious parents time to adjust their views. If your parents are religious, they may have learned that being in a homosexual relationship, being transgender, or being non-binary is wrong. They may struggle to accept that homosexuality is natural and part of who you are. Don’t try to attack their religion, as they’ll likely just push back. Instead, work on educating them with current research. If you know people in your religious community who are accepting of LGBTQIA+ individuals, invite them to talk to your parents to share a different viewpoint. Your parents may attack your faith when they realize you’re LGBTQIA+ or an ally. It’s helpful to prepare for these types of comments and questions in advance. You might plan on saying something like, “I think God makes people LGBTQIA+,” or “My faith tells me that God loves everyone, and it’s not up to me to judge anyone.” These responses will be based on what you believe.
  • Explain your perspective to your parents. Tell your parents about your feelings and experiences as an LGBTQIA+ individual. Invite them to ask you questions and answer to the best of your abilities. You can also help them find articles, pamphlets, and other educational materials to read. Give your parents as much time and space as possible to come to terms with your gender or sexual orientation. Offer them opportunities to learn more about LGBTQ+ identities or meet other parents who are further along in their acceptance journey, if they are open to it.
  • Don’t give up on your parents. If you love your parents and want them in your life, you’ll have to accept them as they are. Keep reaching out to them, and they will probably respond eventually. They may even have a change of heart and stop being homophobic. Even if your parents remain homophobic to some degree, they may soften up over time to maintain a relationship with you.

Advice and people to contact who have done it

How can we, as the next generation, be aware and supportive of our child's sexual orientation?

Stop any and all hate speech: This is a great opportunity for you to demonstrate to your child that you are an ally. It is crucial that your child feels that your home and ultimately you are a safe space. You must not allow hateful speech of any kind. For example, if someone uses the word ‘gay’ in place of ‘stupid’, remind them that the two are not interchangeable and suggest they should say what they actually mean instead.

Educate yourself: Start educating yourself about the LGBTQIA+ community. You don’t have to wait for the big ‘coming out’ moment to start learning. Consider increasing your understanding of the LGBTQIA+ experience and brushing up on appropriate language.

Seek your own network: You are also part of your child’s LGBTQIA+ experience, so make sure you take care of yourself in the process. Consider getting involved with an organisation for additional support and resources. Sweekar is a great place to start.

Word of advice for parents looking to accept their children’s choices?

The one and the biggest action should be accepting your own child wholeheartedly because acceptance starts from home. You don’t need to be an expert in all the things about LGBTQIA+ to let them know you care. “There’s no right or wrong way to express love, just be present and be open.” Even if you’re not sure what to say, something as simple as, “I’m here for you. I love you, and I will support you no matter what” can mean the world to your child.

This world does not look kindly towards the LGBTQIA+ community. People from the community often have a hard time accepting themselves, so as parents, we should not make them feel worse. We need to understand their internal struggle when they feel no one is on their side and be proud that they trusted us enough to tell us.

Parental support is protective against depression and associated with having a higher quality of life. Children who get support from their families can flourish professionally as well as psychologically. 

In what ways can parents support their LGBTQIA+ children?

At the personal level: By welcoming their choice to be different, by applauding their inner strength achieved after probably much hesitation or inner conflict, by accepting their community friends and their families as if they were your own as well.

At the social level: By employing queer people, by sharing unconditional bonds of support and friendship with them, by supporting community causes, by speaking up when homophobic/ transphobic comments are made, by consciously avoiding / discouraging uninformed comments on issues facing the community.

What are the do’s and don’ts to become supportive parents / family?

Do’s  

  1. Walk ten steps more than the extra miles your child has crossed to be her/himself.
  2. Recognise that sexuality is very personal for that individual.
  3. Remove if any rules in your mind for loving your child.
  4. Take consent from your child to speak about their sexual orientation.

Don’ts

  1. Do not worry. It impacts your child in negative way.
  2. Accumulate your own fears. One needs to address one’s own fears as resolve them so that you react naturally to your child.
  3. Gossip about community. It is important that you do not gossip about people from the community. The world is very closely connected and the person you gossiped about will get to know.
  4. Neither flaunt nor hide the reality. 
  5. Making things up may jeopardise your child’s future / interests.
What is the experience of the journey of supporting your child?

A mother says, “It was lonely and confusing at first but once I met the community at large and I found such a happy new space! I love inhabiting that space today and count it a privilege to know so many exceptional people in more ways than one. I wish every parent similar good fortune! Hope every family is blessed with a queer member: the world would become such a diverse and inclusive space then! Such happiness, so much love!”

What does it mean for a child to have support from parents?

When a child gets support from their parents, half their battle is won. As parents it is our responsibility to give our children unconditional love, support and make them feel heard. While we may not understand everything initially, we can try our best and learn from our mistakes. Additionally, we are also students in this journey and should not hesitate to seek help from our children or professionals. 

 

Right from childhood, we can create an environment where they have the freedom to express themselves the way they are and not impose our ideas of gender or expression on them. They may even break gender barriers and that is okay! We need to be the pillar of support in that journey, not a barrier. 

 

Conversations about gender, sex, sexuality, expression and mental health should be started as early as possible making them feel safe to share and express what they might be going through. When we have such conversations early in childhood, we get an opportunity to be first responders to our children. Queer or not, these conversations make children adept with the diversity that exist around us, making them empathetic about it. 

 

At the end of the day, it is our child’s journey and if they require time to understand themselves, we should give them that. We can only be a guiding light to our children and after a point of time in life let them be free and be independent decision makers.

Accepting difference

Acceptance is the ability to see that others have a right to be their own unique persons. That means having a right to their own feelings, thoughts and opinions. When you accept people for who they are, you let go of your desire to change them. You let them feel the way they want to feel, you let them be different and think differently from you. Everyone is different in one way or another. Once you understand this truth, you can stop trying to change them into the people you want them to be and start accepting them for who they are. Acceptance of others’ feelings is not easy when people act differently than we do. We all have trouble accepting those who are different. By learning the skill of empathy, we will be better able to understand ourselves and those who are different from us.

 

When you practice accepting others, you will be able to make it a habit. And when you make acceptance a habit in your life, you will become a more positive and happier person.

Positive ways you can reinforce confidence in your child:

Believe in your child. Never impose your thoughts on him/her. Each child is unique and has his/her own thinking Always remember they are one generation after us. 

Give them the freedom to choose the path of their life. Guide them and point out the obstacles they may have to face in their path, but be patient and let them lead their life on their terms and not on how you want them to. 

Always be there for your child. Interacting with people who are different allows us to better understand our own values and beliefs. 

In addition, when comparing and contrasting our life experience with the life of others, we get a better understanding of how similar our needs are. 

Despite our outside circumstances, opinions, or appearance we all want to be loved and feel like we belong. 

Your positive interventions will help young LGBTQIA+ persons more confident and face challenges in their lives much more strongly and courageously.

Common misconceptions: How do parents usually react to their children coming out? How does Sweekar help them in understanding?

Most of the time parents react and have questions to ask like:

  1. Is same sex attraction natural or unnatural or mental disorder?
  2. Can this attraction or different gender identities be changed?
  3. Does my child have hormonal imbalance which has caused this mismatch? 
  4. How does my child feel different when no one else in my family does?
  5. Is being LGBTQIA+ a choice or a phase?
  6. Did I do something wrong while bringing my child up?
  7. If that is the case then why didn’t my child tell me for so long?
  8. Did sexual abuse during early years change their orientation?
  9. My child was influenced by the wrong company.
  10. I have only one child, how will the generation go ahead?
  11. How will I face family and society?
  12. This is a western concept and not Indian culture.
  13. Why does my child want the whole world to know? Is it really necessary?
  14. Who will take care of my child after I die?
  15. Will my child face stigma or discrimination everywhere?

We comfort them by explaining that these are myths and misconceptions. We share our experiences so that they get the answers to their questions and become comfortable towards their child’s sexual orientation and gender identity.

Respond to an LGBTQIA+ character in the media: If you are watching TV or a movie together and an LGBTQIA+ character comes on, seize the opportunity to affirm to your child that you are accepting and supportive of LGBTQIA+ people. It may seem counterintuitive but the best thing to do is to wait for your child to open up to you.

Legal Issues

  • People to contact for help: Advice on how to proceed in various situations.
  • Changes being made/ efforts being made to make change.
  • How one can get involved?